Here I am penning down my thoughts – claustrophobic that is my emotion now. I am wondering why do I yearn for that space so much. I connect it to imbalance within myself. As I walked towards to the tube on the way down town, as I entered the mall, I was totally off. I walked towards a cafe – it has worsen it – customers infront of me cant decide what to order given that the previous customer took 10 mins to order their drinks. My mind and my heart was beating at a super fast rate – I was raging going to have a melt down. Seated in the middle of the cafe surrounded by endless chatter – TOO MUCH NOISE. I need a SPACE – that set me in a panic mode.
What should I do, 3 times – then it came – I ‘tune’ in with the universe, the creator and chanted the protective mantra and release the negative energy that doesn’t belong to me. You may its the mind – YES indeed the mind – the sounds of this mantra set the right vibration to where the body requires. Viola !! the cafe seems to have quieten down slightly. Plug into my favourite mantra – Guru Ram Das as my fingers danced away on the laptop.
That brings me to the title [SPACE] – what is space? How do you define space? I am seeking. It is my heart boundary or is it my physical boundary or is it my defensive wall or is it a space called it a calm energy space? What is it really? I asked my inner group – one of them said You need to find the meaning of space for yourself.
How can this be so queer? A question I posed yesterday, a friend asking me to seek. Here I am going thru the feeling of a needing of space.
Here is how I define space:
Physical space: my area my office cubicle my room; i frown upon when people enter that space not wanting them to bring in their negative voice or thoughts. Then again, I guess its my lesson to learn how to ‘fend’ myself from those. I am still learning.
Heart space: i refuse to let any one in, i can’t anymore, i do not want to any. How does that even help me on my journey? My heart now feels small and tiny, it’s painful, it’s pricking. I guess its cause I know and I truly know what is bothering deep inside. I want to be loved the way I want it to be, I want us to grow emotionally and spiritually together. I saw your heart – it has me but there isn’t me either. Is that my logical mind speaking or do i really know. For that, I have left it in the hands the universe.
Ego (defensive) space: I got really mad with my staff today – to me it made me even angrier when he started laughing. I told him its not funny at all – and do not assume. I do not call not no reason especially when i called 8 times. In my mind – I was so close to tell him that I am your F!@#$ manager, please respect that title. Even before I could say that , my throat was stuck. I guess its my angels telling me to kept quiet.
After the above ramblings: a space is where your heart, mind and body is balanced even its only for a moment. You may ask – Do I feel better now? Yes, I do feel very better – two words pop up – TRUST & FAITH. I need to trust myself, trust my actions, be mindful of my thoughts & be mindful of my words.
I gathered that why one of the reasons why I am feeling this way – is a preconceived drama in my brain which I was playing. I am going to meet someone – which I know that “hard work” of planning for my last trip had sniped remarks behind my back. How could that person still say she misses us ? I do not get it ? You are spot on – I should let it go. Ego its acting in, i am already played the defensive reasons if ever a common friend asked about it.
I need to let go of a lot of baggage – the biggest baggage is a self belief system – the need to feel needed, the need to feel that I have met expectations of someone else, the need to trust myself that I have given my best for whatever matter in my capacity at that point in time, the feat of being judge.
thanks for taking time to read this.